Open Letter I

Dear Downstairs Neighbor,

Hi! I'm super-glad that you have a cell phone, like a responsible adult. And I'm also super-glad that you have T.Mobile -- I've heard nothing but rave reviews of their service. And hey -- nothing wrong with leaving your phone set to the default ringtone!

I am, myself, unable to leave a phone on any ring setting, or vibrate setting, or any setting other than "completely silent-church funeral-meeting-mode," because a.) I'm afraid it will go off in class, or maybe while I'm walking and I have my headphones on and b.) my constant texting, emailing, &c. pretty much ensures that audible notifications will annoy the shit out of my immediate companions.

But HEY! Some people like the notification! Some people have to get the call the first time! Gotta know when someone's calling you! And take that call! Or maybe judiciously screen it!

And that's fine! Ring, ring! It's your social life! Beep! Popularity just texted you! And (*twinkle*)! -- looks like opportunity just left you a voicemail!

You know that T.Mobile jingle? The one they use in their commercials? Duh-duh-duh-DA-duh. That one. The weird kind of proto-arpeggio you'd idly finger on a piano in a deserted hotel ballroom.

Duh-duh-duh-DA-duh.

Downstairs Neighbor, I don't begrudge you your popularity --

Duh-duh-duh-DA-duh.

-- and I'm glad that you have friends and they're either trying to urgently reach you or maybe you have a lot of bill collectors or --

Duh-duh-duh-DA-duh.

-- something like that, but could you please --

Duh-duh-duh-DA-duh.

-- possibly, maybe, like, switch it to vibrate --

Duh-duh-duh-DA-duh.

-- or, though I know it would violate many of the eponymous rules in that copy of The Rules I saw you reading the other day --

Duh-duh-duh-DA-duh.

-- just take the fucking call?

Love, Conditionally,

Your Upstairs Neighbor

p.s. Remember when my roommates and I used to joke about your terrible singing and limited repertoire and imaginary band, and then by total coincidence we happened to be dining at a venue where you and your band performed? And you were covering "Son of A Preacher Man" and "Boogie Fever", and it felt just like I was sitting at home? And then you slipped onstage and screamed into the mic? That was a great fucking night.